This past weekend we had another Beyond training. The focus was on maps and compasses. I really struggled with this training in many ways. The first, with maps and compasses, as science and math aren’t easy subjects for me. I want to be able to fully understand and grasp the topic that is being taught to me. I haven’t felt those feelings of inadequacy since high school and it was difficult to revisit that. I regret not paying better attention to my science and math classes. In fact, my nose was constantly stuck in a book when it came to these classes. I was the girl who got de-merits and detentions for reading in class. Thankfully the Beyond people are incredibly nice and many offered to help me with the maps during our free time. When it came to our last scavenger hunt in the park I felt a bit better about it and walked away not feeling as frustrated.
These past few weeks I’ve really been struggling with not belonging. I guess my transition from Westminster has affected me more than I thought. Before I started attending Westminster I was in a very lonely place, and I worked really hard to build a community for myself. I grew quite a bit through the Westminster community. It’s been hard to suddenly be without that place of belonging. I’m also currently living alone, and that has had its good points, but also it’s bad points. I’m not part of a church community yet, and I don’t see my friends nearly as much as I had before. I really desire consistency in my life right now, but that seems to not be within my reach. When I look at my future and what I will do when Beyond is over, I realize I’m really scared. In a month and a half I’ll need to find a place to store my stuff, and a place to stay for a few weeks, and someone to take care of my cat. When I come back from Beyond I won’t necessarily have a place to live or any idea of what to do, what career path, or ministry opportunity I should pursue. It’s provided a lot of anxiety as I try to figure out the next step. What should I do? Should I look for a place to stay until I get my feet on the ground and stay in the Seattle area? Should I move back to California, go back to school, look for a job at a Christian camp somewhere, or should I move overseas and do missions? I’m looking to God to show me now, what the plan is. Apparently He’s not going to work that way.
I walked into the Beyond training carrying this and more on my shoulders. I didn’t want to be there and was even more frustrated that I still didn’t have that sense of belonging. Everyone wants to belong somewhere, right? And shouldn’t I rest comfortably knowing that eventually it will happen? Unfortunately, because I had all of the above floating in my head I didn’t put much effort into the weekend, and pretty much everything was amplified. In fact by the time I was driving home from the training weekend I was convinced that I shouldn’t do Beyond. I thought that all I could do in the situation was move back to California and attempt to figure out my life. I was thinking how in the world I could benefit this ministry and be open to God working through me if I wasn’t open to what God was doing in my life. I didn’t trust Him, and doubted my faith that God will provide, that He has a plan. Does He?
I went on a hike yesterday to find some kind of rest from all of these thoughts running around my head. It was a great afternoon for a hike. The trail was empty and I was the only one there. It was beautiful even in the pouring rain, simply amazing. I sat on a rock for a bit and just listened to the music playing on my ipod and enjoyed the scenery around me. I was reminded how I crave to be in these kinds of environments. I crave to be surrounded by nature and to come away from these excursions feeling refreshed with having a break from city life. I was confirmed again that doing Beyond is what God wants me to do. Right away all of my doubts went away and I was filled with the excitement for this summer’s ministry; to be challenged and experience God’s creation in a new and exciting way. I was completely overcome. The song Hosanna, by Hillsong was playing and the words impacted me...
These past few weeks I’ve really been struggling with not belonging. I guess my transition from Westminster has affected me more than I thought. Before I started attending Westminster I was in a very lonely place, and I worked really hard to build a community for myself. I grew quite a bit through the Westminster community. It’s been hard to suddenly be without that place of belonging. I’m also currently living alone, and that has had its good points, but also it’s bad points. I’m not part of a church community yet, and I don’t see my friends nearly as much as I had before. I really desire consistency in my life right now, but that seems to not be within my reach. When I look at my future and what I will do when Beyond is over, I realize I’m really scared. In a month and a half I’ll need to find a place to store my stuff, and a place to stay for a few weeks, and someone to take care of my cat. When I come back from Beyond I won’t necessarily have a place to live or any idea of what to do, what career path, or ministry opportunity I should pursue. It’s provided a lot of anxiety as I try to figure out the next step. What should I do? Should I look for a place to stay until I get my feet on the ground and stay in the Seattle area? Should I move back to California, go back to school, look for a job at a Christian camp somewhere, or should I move overseas and do missions? I’m looking to God to show me now, what the plan is. Apparently He’s not going to work that way.
I walked into the Beyond training carrying this and more on my shoulders. I didn’t want to be there and was even more frustrated that I still didn’t have that sense of belonging. Everyone wants to belong somewhere, right? And shouldn’t I rest comfortably knowing that eventually it will happen? Unfortunately, because I had all of the above floating in my head I didn’t put much effort into the weekend, and pretty much everything was amplified. In fact by the time I was driving home from the training weekend I was convinced that I shouldn’t do Beyond. I thought that all I could do in the situation was move back to California and attempt to figure out my life. I was thinking how in the world I could benefit this ministry and be open to God working through me if I wasn’t open to what God was doing in my life. I didn’t trust Him, and doubted my faith that God will provide, that He has a plan. Does He?
I went on a hike yesterday to find some kind of rest from all of these thoughts running around my head. It was a great afternoon for a hike. The trail was empty and I was the only one there. It was beautiful even in the pouring rain, simply amazing. I sat on a rock for a bit and just listened to the music playing on my ipod and enjoyed the scenery around me. I was reminded how I crave to be in these kinds of environments. I crave to be surrounded by nature and to come away from these excursions feeling refreshed with having a break from city life. I was confirmed again that doing Beyond is what God wants me to do. Right away all of my doubts went away and I was filled with the excitement for this summer’s ministry; to be challenged and experience God’s creation in a new and exciting way. I was completely overcome. The song Hosanna, by Hillsong was playing and the words impacted me...
“I see a generation Rising up to take their place. With selfless faith….I see a
near revival stirring as we pray and seek. We're on our knees…Heal my heart and
make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you
have loved me. Break my heart from what breaks yours. Everything I am for your
kingdoms cause. As I go from nothing to Eternity…Hosanna in the
highest”
Over the weekend I was talking to someone who reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend a few months ago about Satan and how he manipulates. I was reminded again that when Satan sees a good thing he’ll do what he can to stop it. Satan understands the scope of this ministry and what God can do. If so, shouldn’t I be able to stand up to Satan and say “enough, I’m done, you can’t affect me!” I hope it works that way. But Jesus doesn’t promise that. He promises eternal life, and He assures us that He walks beside us. But Jesus doesn’t promise that life will be easy, and that we won’t struggle. I just hope the little glimpses I get of heaven will be enough. The bible does say that Jesus will give us the desires of our heart, but what exactly does that mean? I can constantly pray about my struggles, frustrations, and what I would hope my life to be. But that doesn’t mean that God will hear that and take away my pain and give me what I want. If that were to happen would I even need my Savior? Trust me, this is not a fun place to be, and I wish with all of my heart my life could be different. But I need my Jesus more than ever. I know I can’t do this alone, and I know as much as I struggle and doubt He walks beside me. So, I guess the fist step of faith I need to take is Beyond, and then the next step of faith is, well, I don’t know what that is right now. I’ve opened the first door and we’ll see what’s on the other side.
If I walk away from this weekend with a spiritual truth it would be faith, which is the assurance of things unseen. It’s like a compass march. You need to get to a certain point but it's unseen with many obstacles in the path. All you can do is take your bearings, trust God, and walk forward.
If I walk away from this weekend with a spiritual truth it would be faith, which is the assurance of things unseen. It’s like a compass march. You need to get to a certain point but it's unseen with many obstacles in the path. All you can do is take your bearings, trust God, and walk forward.
